dear gentle reader,
I'm like sooo mellow. I'm like a jack johnson song, in human form.
OK but I'm writing this to put myself on the line and fearlessly, put a part of myself that I've kept very close to me (except only with good friends) out to the world. I once heard that, "the more personal, the more universal" and so it is with this, I believe. And many other young men like me.
Last night, I have a positive breakdown and "therapy" session with some very good family friends. I'll relate to you the cause of this:
The thing that triggered my whole 'break down' last night was the fact that i saw the HOTTEST barista last night.. just a beautiful girl in many ways (from the limited interaction I had with her) and I was really stunned and taken aback, and then the friend I was with was like "yea, shes got like a year long ugly, idiotic boyfriend" and it created such a conflict in me that it just felt like from my loins, the put of my stomach, to my forehead were this burning, boiling , conflicted acid vat. It just made me want to be a monk so i wouldn't have that conflict.
But also the fact that its like this.. 1.) see a beautiful girl 2.) say "i want her" 3.) THEN all those voices start talking to you and giving you reasons and excuses why you shouldn't... but the side that wants her fights against it, and you hesitate and thats unattractive and women can feel that 3.) you bitch out, or like last night, find out about some boyfriend and beat yourself up, and start to wonder what's so fundimentally wrong with YOU 4.) vicious, downward spiral starts.. and you either gatta get so mad that you destroy those ffeelings and move on with your new found power, or let it eat you from the inside out and REALLY sabotage yourself.
Ok, there you go. Musings of a young man. wah wah wah. the end.
Now, what would it be like if men had magazines that were like Cosmo but geared for men? It's as if the guides for women are quite accepted, and if a dude wants to figure out this area of his life, all this "inner" stuff, then he's got to do it in secret, otherwise OH NO! YOU'RE A CREEP! A WIERDO! OR YOU'RE SO FABULOUS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BE GETTING INTO THAT STUFF YOU DONT HAVE THAT PART OF YOUR LIFE HANDLED?? DUDE WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Is it impossible to think that if you got those kinds of responses to your personal development persuits all the time that you'd become a bit frustrated and callused to the world?
.... But luckily I'm not burdened with that. I consider myself eternally greatful and lucky to be surrounded by supportive, loving, caring people who understand these things, and understand the broader picture.
I've noticed a lot of people in life, in their interactions, or in their interactions with me can be quite mean spirited and angry to eachother, all as a defense mechanism for protecting themselves. Yet at the same time, it's interesting to realize that it has nothing to do with me, but rather the lack of positive influences and role models in their life that they probably crave.
Which brings me to another point of great importance:
How many well put together, emotionally in touch, strong, motivated, positive, beautiful, attractive, fun, energetic women have you met in your life, or even simply seen for that matter? I'm willing to bet that that number you have in your head is MUCH higher then the amount of men you've known who are equally emotionally in touch, strong, motivated, positive, handsome, attractive etc etc....
I can probably count on one hand, the men I've met in my life who I can call real mature, masculine men. Men who have realized their true power, their true essence and embraced it with such dignity and grace that EVERYONE around them feels uplifted and empowered by being around them... like they're a magnate. And also a magnate for attractive women ;)
This is an interesting observation, because if we notice all the beautiful women in the world, and the lack of "real" men, it puts being a young man like me in an interesting position. That voice-of-knowing in my head now makes me realize that in my conscious, rigorous peronsal developmental persuits, that I have the capability of becoming the most capable, strong person I know. Yet the depressing fact of the matter, is that on a whole, I believe we men hold ourselves in such low regard that we sabotage ourselves for any opportunity to fully realize our true potential.
The simple fact of the matter is that we by nature, have this essence in us that is SO needed in the world today-
Feminist: NOW JUST WAIT A SECOND, ERIC!! Men are essentially the reason the world is in the state it is today: the aggrigate action and collection of all masculine thought manifested into one, global MESS!
Why thank you for pointing this out, you're absolutely right. These men might be physically men, but are they emotionally, mentally, spiritually mature men? My guess is that they're not, and that you don't think so either. Is George W. Bush a man that people all over the world aspire to be like? Are magnetically attracted to because of his charisma and personal power? Unless you're pretty diluted, I hallucinate that you're not.
Heres a good technique to test if the man you're interacting with (on any level) is an upstanding man. "Hmm, do I feel at a guy level that this guy is someone I enjoy being around?" If the answer is yes, then you know the answer. If the answer is no, then you know the other answer.
It is strange, that I started this whole post talking about a hot barista that I felt attracted to. And yet to get to the bottom of it, there was all this complex "drivel" that had to be plowed to in order to touch that deepest essence that could in the end, touch her and show her what an amazing person I am. It's as if the highway from your heart, to your worldly interaction needs to be clear, straight, and free of obstructions. And if the path to your drive, and passion, and true nature has twists and turns and road blocks and crashes in it, then until you straighten that shit out, you'll never be able to communicate to your fellow human beings in the way that effectively demonstrates the wonderful nature that MUST be in all of us.
So listen, if any negative people are reading this, (and indeed I have to remind myself of this from time to time): the next time you judge or put someone down, remember that they're just as human as you. That whatever negative thing you see in them is just another side of yourself that you are PROJECTING onto them, and that everyone is made up of the same psycological, emotional, basic human needs, stuff.
You're just as human as I am. I'm just as human as you are. When you think about it like that, we're kind of in this thing together.
"We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness." – Thich Nhat Hanh
And THAT, ladies and gentleman of the great big world over, is my personal stuff that I've shared with you. Chew this cud at your will.
Until next time, this is GDE, figuring stuff out.
Love, peace ALWAYS, baby
-e
EDITORS NOTE: this post was not edited in anyway, and retains all the original grammatical/spelling errors of a stream of consciousness contained therein.
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6 comments:
Great stuff dude, call me when you've figured this out! LOL!
No, but you're right. It works both ways too, and I guess women have gained more from 'evolution', meaning that we've accepted and it's ok to talk about feelings etc etc, and it's ok to work on yourselves. Hell, I think a lot of women would find it very attractive to find out that a man is trying to be that kind of inspiring man!
Just too bad that the childlike-man is kind of overruling the world... :)
Eric,
Your problem is easy to fix. It's call castration. That will eliminate the push/pull tug of war between your big head and your little head. Added benefits; Awesome falsetto and you will also find yourself crying at sappy comercials and various segments on the 'Oprah' show.
"It's fun to be a man! Damn! Damn! Damn! It's fun to be a man!..." sung to the tune of Chopin's Piano Sonata No. 2 in B flat Minor
Mapa
Woah, I'm flabbergasted. I have to respond, although I would much prefer to respond to you in person because then it would be a conversation between us, full of ebb and flow. What is below will appear more like picking, bitching, and browbeating and won’t reflect entirely well the sentiment behind it.
Good god, I wish, hope and pray that you will please hold on to the value of yourself. I am forever bewildered by your concept of yourself versus the concept of some "hot" girl who has been living her lie before you showed up one night. And it bothers me that you don't describe her as "intriguing" or "devastatingly beautiful", but "hot". It hits me like a Paris Hilton catchphrase and makes me recoil. (PLEASE, please stick with me here, I'm not criticising. I love you and I have to tell you, just as candidly as you told us, what I feel in response to what you're feeling. I guess I'm mad as hell, too, and I'm not gonna take it anymore either!! (as a funny side note, I just watched the film where that came from for my Politics And Film class... it's called "Network"... worth a look. Anyway, I digress).
What frightens me about the semantics of the word "hot" is there's little investiture in it, and somehow the outward beauty of a person (whose insides you don't know at all) alone is somehow your complete undoing and makes them totally out of your league, which is complete bullshit. Do you know what this woman was thinking on the night? Did she find you attractive? Did she talk to you? Make passes at you? Did she ever make it seem like there was a remote chance that if she weren't with the asshole she's with that you'd be in there like swimwear? How do you know her boyfriend's an idiot? Did you meet him? Might he be as much an idiot as YOU (you're a goddam idiot, you know, and I love you you crazy headcase. You know how I know you're an idiot? Because I'M a fucking idiot too)? Just like you say, you can’t believe everything you hear, and one person’s idiot is another person’s friend. Who knows, maybe she likes her boyfriend? And how fair is it to expect a woman to magically predict that you, god's gift to women (I actually mean this literally, and not critically... no joke), will appear out of nowhere a year down the road from the night she meets and falls headlong for the asshole she's shacked up with when you turn up? Have you no faith in the universe? Don't you believe that someday that asshole will be you?
Eric, I so admire your quest to be the best man you can be. I think you're already such a good person, and that maybe you don't realise we can't be fantastic all of the time, even when we're the best of people. I mean Jaysus… even Jesus had to cut loose from time to time. I wish you'd take some time off from worrying about this so hard... I worry that it this vibe, this energy, this aura might repel people whom you want to attract. If a guy tries so hard to be everything off the bat, right away, I personally suspect them of faking it, and I am put off. I would also be able to sense, on a good day, when someone needs a little alone time, or that they have issues that they need to work out before they come looking for emotional commitment from me (well, actually, there are many many instances where I WISH I would have sensed that...). I dunno… maybe we need to throw you out in the wilderness for a walkabout on your own, a rite of passage or something to honour your manhood, capability and grownupness.
Ugh, I'm sorry. I just fear that your fear of losing a woman you've never met will hinder your ability to allow yourself the time and space to find yourself where ever it is you envision yourself being, and being confident in yourself that you are the kind of person I know you are. I guess what I'm pleading is that you remain calm. Girls aren’t attracted to panic.
And anyway, don't fall for that Cosmo shit. You don't want that. Again, it's all about looks and perception, and I personally don't put much stake in being told how much I should disguise my aging, my physical scars, stretch mark and saddlebags, and how much I need to have laser hair removal all over my body. That kind of mag is shit. Stick with The Onion!
I love you, Eric. Be that man you want to be. When you continue to affirm to yourself that you are worthy, you will find everything else with it in its own time, but you can't fool the universe, nor can you push against it. Be strong, and know you are the best Eric in the world.
Yes, I'm flabbergasted too. I like what you said, and I think you have a lot of good points. Sometimes I think that kind of thinking (the attitude I adopted in that post) is like a virus. Or rather a computer virus... something running in the background and screwing up and messing about with all these other systems that are connected to it. Either get a cure to the virus (Norton anti-virus) or disconnect the circuits connected to it. I think a cure would be best, and as for what it is... well I'm still searching. I don't feel bad for saying what I said, or feeling the way I do or thinking what I think, but rather, feel unusual and confused about it all. Either way, it's probably better to accept these things as they are rather then surrender to them or war against them. The way of water is the way to be now! Speaking of all this, I landed an interview at an audio post production place in Seattle! Great success! And tonight I ran my first sound show at WSA. Cool stuff. Love you loads. Again, thank you for your input. I want to hear it all, no holds barred or bars held, whatever.
Love
-e
Eric,
Interesting wedge of cheese you've offered the world here.
At first, I smell an earthy and acrid hint of frustration and lonliness.
Upon a nibble, I sense something struggling to mature into a nuanced and delightful complexity. Often a cheese needs just the right amount of time to blossom into its full flavor and quality. Unfortunately this process cannot be rushed. Some cave-aged cheeses needs years of isolation and reflection to perfect... others benefit from infusions of herbs or complimentary flavors.
Forcibly attempting to mature, rather than letting maturation happen, often leads to disasterous results. It leads to American cheese... the worst cheese the world has to offer.
PS, nothing really wrong with finding women "hot". Nothing wrong with lusting after them, or being frustrated with not getting them. All part of the process. Some of the best maturation I endured was thinking your sister was hot, but never convincing her that she'd be happier dating me than all these idiot boyfriends of hers. ;)
But don't delude yourself that women get all the answers out of Cosmo. The only thing Cosmo gives people is poor self-esteem. Life is hard, and it's hard for everyone.
The world does need self-assured, charismatic and thoughtful men. Instead, it's being plagued by immature desperate despots. The problem is: you cannot become that self-actualized man as a ploy to get hot girls. I suggest you look at your deepest motivations (those that have been with you the longest and strike you as the most worthy) and nurture them. Hot girls will follow.
Well put, John. And I'm sorry about the idiot boyfriends... but you know, they've all dropped off the face of the earth and you and I are still friends! :)
Believe it or not, it's not hindsight when I say that that's what I had in mind all along. You were too good a pal to throw away.
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